The Family And Character  Building

In regard to the third pillar, that of human virtues like love, kindness and mercy, I would like to let the Qur'an speak for me:

"We have instructed man to be kind to both his parents. His mother bears him with nausea and gives birth to him painfully. Bearing him and weaning him last thirty months, until when he attains his maturity and reaches forty years (of age), he says:

"My Lord, make me grateful for Your favour which You have shown to me and to both my parents, and let me act honourably so that You may approve of it. Be good to me with respect to my offspring; I have turned toward You and am one of those who are Muslims" (46:15)

We are further told in the Qur'an:

"Your Lord has decreed that you should worship nothing except Him, and (show) kindness to your parents; whether one or both of them attain old age (while they are) still with you, never say to them: 'Shame!' nor scold either of them. Speak to them in generous fashion. Protect them carefully and SAY: "My Lord, show them mercy, just as they cared for me as a little child" (17:23-24)

What a spirit of mutual kindness, this lowering of the wing of mercy on us while we are helpless. And later on, our protecting tenderness to our children and our elders when they are in need of it! If we are good and patient, understanding and encouraging in our behaviour towards our family members, thus bringing forth the very same virtues in them as well, we are sure to carry these virtues forward into human society as well. A tender and considerate family father will also be good to those whom he meets outside the home, just as he will be strict and uncompromising when he has to protect his family or his fellow men against vices that are out to undermine or destroy these virtues.

THE FAMILY AS REFUGE

And to round off the argument, the fourth pillar grants us within the fold of family life a secure refuge against inward and outward troubles. In a time when people mistrust each other, when everybody thinks of himself first and it is considered a crime to be bothered with the worries of others, only those are well off who know that there is for them at least one place of refuge. Here we may get either good advice or a piece of bread, a helping hand or a bed. Here we can be sure to be defended against the outside world, and we know that the other family members are expecting of us so much to unfold our best qualities. Thus, the family is marvellous institution for the needy as well as for those who are able to help. No other social institution has so far shouldered similar responsibilities as successfully as the family.

The more perfect a society has become in the eyes of a superficial spectator, the more heart-rending may all its utterly impersonal social achievements appear in the sight of those who know the cherishing care and warmth of a truly Islamic family life.

Polyandry

Question: I would like to ask a question in relation to polygamy. If one concedes the arguments you have given in support of a man having more than one wife in certain circumstances, would the same arguments be extended to the situation of a woman in relation to her husband/husbands? To be more precise, if a woman becomes invalid and sexually incapacitated and because of that the husband is allowed to have second wife, why the same should not hold good in respect of men. If a husband becomes invalid, would it be permitted for the wife to have a second husband?

B. Aisha Lemu: The instances which I quoted were examples of human circumstances where there is a genuine problem and I mentioned that in the Western world the options are limited. That is, either you stay with it or you obtain divorce, you cannot bring the third alternative of another wife. Now the question of a woman having more than one husband raises a number of other problems. One of them is the question of inheritance. If a woman has more than one husband, there is something which will be very disturbing to men, not to be sure that a certain child is their own, that it might be the child of another husband. Another problem that one could foresee here is that for a woman to look after one husband is, generally, considered to be quite enough trouble (laughter and applause) without bringing upon herself more than one. So there is no provision, as far as I am aware, under Islamic law for this to take place, who can give more information than I have.

Khurshid Ahmad: May I add a word or two to what Sister Aisha has said. First let us understand the Islamic position. Islam allows polygamy in certain cases but it does not allow polyandry, that is a woman having more than one husband, in any case. This is the legal position. The question arises why is this so. Sister Aisha has made two points. Along with her subjective retort that one husband is more than enough, she has pointed to the complexities this would raise for establishing the paternity of the children, and secondly about the problems of inheritance. I would like to invite you to a few other aspects.

First, sociologically speaking, the institution of a family in a patriarchal set-up can operate effectively in case of polygamy but it would simply disintegrate under polyandry. For arguments' sake, it is possible to have polyandrous families in a matriarchal set-up, but this would mean a change in the entire social matrix.

Secondly, from a sexo-socialogical viewpoint, it is possible for a man to have sexual relations with all his wives, if he has more than one, and impregnate them. But if a wife has more than one husband, she can, even in that case, be impregnated only by one.

This should also be kept in view that once a woman is pregnant she is not available for sexual relations for some of the time. In fact, one of the arguments advanced by some sexologists in favour of polygamy (See Ludovici, Anthony M., Woman: A Vindication, Constable, London; and MacFarlane, J. E. Clare, The Case for Polygamy) is that as sexual relations are not possible with the wife during these periods, forced monogamy is unnatural. If the possibilities of a properly married second wife are denied, the dangers of illicit sex become very real. If this is the situation in a one-husband-one-wife equation, what would be the predicament in a many husband-one-wife polygamy?

Thirdly, even from the physo-sexological viewpoint this arrangement would be an anomaly. Of the many aspects let us just refer to one. If we examine the origin and not merely communication of venereal diseases, we find that they originate from a woman being sexually visited by more than one man. As long as there is a one-man one-woman relationship, venereal diseases would not originate. If a man has sexual contact with more than one woman but the woman with whom he is having this relationship is not in sexual relationship with any other man, venereal diseases would not originate. But if a woman has sexual relations with more than one man the possibilities of the origination of venereal diseases present themselves. It is the nature of things and a violation of this would disturb the entire scheme of life. Polygamy has a place in this scheme, polyandry has none.

Islam has forbidden polyandry not for any partiality towards man, but for the good of man and woman both and of the entire human society.

Covering the Face

Question: According to the Qur'an, men and women have to lower their gaze when they have to go out in public. If the woman has to cover herself from top to toe, there would be no point in the man lowering his gaze. This would imply that women would keep their faces uncovered, hence the men have to lower their gaze and not chase them with their eyes. If the Qur'an is telling both men and women to lower their gaze in each others presence, the implication is that the woman is not veiled on her face, otherwise what is there to lower your eyes from? May I further suggest that during the Hajj (pilgrimage), it is specifically forbidden for a woman to cover he face with a veil.

Aisha Lemu: I appreciate very much the point of our sister and I think you can see with your eyes where my own opinion lies in the matter. I accept both these points, and in my talk I merely mentioned that there is another opinion which exists which is held by some people, and they consider they have a basis for it. If they wish to express it, then let them do so.

Khurshid Ahmad: Just to set the record straight, let me briefly state the other viewpoint. The assumption that if the Qur'an asks men and women to bring down their gaze and not to stare at each other, it implies that the face must be kept open, is imaginative, but does not carry us very far. If the Qur'an says that you do not approach the Salat (prayer) if you are intoxicated, that does not mean that intoxication is permitted when you are not praying. There are a number of ways in which you can see one another, even if the body is covered. Bringing down the gaze represents an attitude and not merely an act. As such, it is not specifically related to seeing the other's face, but his or her whole being. Moreover the argument about covering the face is based upon certain inferences from the Qur'an, developed further in the hadith. It is a principle of Islam that the teachings of the Qur'an are to be understood in the light of the sayings of the Prophet. Both taken together do affirm that the women should, when they go out, cover their bodies properly, and the body includes the face. Only those parts of the body like hands and feet that reveal themselves in walking are allowed to remain so. We must concede that on this issue there are two viewpoints and both are derived from careful reflection on the original sources. Everyone is free to prefer any one of these on the basis of arguments, but should also respect the other viewpoint. The reference to the Hajj is not relevant. Injunctions about the Hajj represent a special case and it would be ill advised to generalise from that. In ihram men cannot cover their heads or in wuquf Muzdalifa, Maghrib prayer is not offered at its appointed time but is jointed with Isha, All these represent special cases and it would be hazardous to generalise them.

Dress

Observations by a woman: I would like to say a few words about dress. Mrs Lemu made only a very brief reference to it. Firstly, there is the question of priorities. Islam wants to change our outlook on life. The reference to men and then to women to cast down their eyes is intentional and not just accidental. The Qur'an and Sunnah are not silent on rules about dress. There are detailed instructions as to how men should cover themselves and also detailed instructions as to how women should cover themselves. Whether women should cover their faces or not is just one element of the whole scheme. In our present situation we have difficult problem as the whole scheme is not being properly followed. Some men have emancipated themselves from Islamic requirements of dress, and yet they expect that their womenfolk should cover themselves. There is no authority for men not to have beards. But some of them are not respectful of these injunctions. Islamic instructions are for both and I think both should honestly search their hearts as to how much they try to abide by them.