The Family As Guardian Of Desires

We now come to the second pillar, that of family life as guardian of the natural erotic desires of man. It is on purpose that I would give Eros preference over Sex since this word has been misused so badly that it tends to distort rather than to describe what I want to say. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) has said:

"Marriage is a part of my sunnah, whoever runs away from my path is not from amongst us". In the Qur'an, Sura II, Verse 187 men are told "They (your wives) are your garments and you are their garments.... So now associate with them". Islam being the complete way of life that always takes into consideration the natural disposition of man, enjoins marriage. And it tells us in a few beautiful words how husband and wife should, like garments, cover and protect each other, how they may find fulfilment in each other in their erotic urges, in their desire for children and in mutual exchange of love and tenderness. I would like to add a few personal words here since as a convert to Islam I am sometimes asked how I feel about the approach of Islam towards matrimony.

Arranged Marriages

What I appreciated by watching how well it is usually working out, is firstly the custom in Muslim families of so-called arranged marriages. During my stay in a Muslim country, as well as from the numerous former students and other Muslim friends whom I have known over 15 years, I could always observe that family life in arranged marriages is far more lasting and stable than in the average Western family. It seems that where parents or relatives with much insight and experience propose marriages, they do it on a broad basis considering family background, education, ambitions, likes and dislikes and so many other things. And though nearly all Muslim marriages are conducted by buying the cat in the bag (as we say in Germany) which means it is not discovered beforehand whether the partners fit together sexually, as is customary in the West, they can be called far more successful than marriages here.

Polygamy

Secondly it is the ticklish matter of polygamy. Before the Registrar married me to my European Muslim husband, he warned me of the four wives which would be admissible to him if we would ever live in Muslim country. Though a bit awe-struck at first, I soon learned that just because having more than one wife is allowed in Islam, it is practised very seldom. And since this official concession to the polygamous disposition undoubtedly inherent in some men, or to extraordinary circumstances like constant illness or barrenness of the first wife on the other hand, completely prohibits sexual relations outside marriage, I hold it to be a very wise decision. If a Muslim man for this or that reason simply cannot help desiring more than one wife, he is not forced by this urge to resort to any sinful act but may quite lawfully enjoy its fulfilment along with shouldering the consequent responsibilities. That, in my eyes, is the main point: hardly any man will merely for the sake of his greediness support more than one wife and the children out of this liaison, justly dividing his attention between his wives and offspring. He will think more than twice before he acts, while in societies without such sensible rules it is so terribly easy to jump into bed and walk away afterwards. Instead of the essential human dignity for the other woman, nothing but misery and degradation is in store for her and perhaps even her child. There are so many sad examples before us that no further comments are required on this subject.

Divorce

Thirdly, in matters of divorce I hold the Islamic solution to be much superior to any others I know. If for any reason, seldom though this does happen in practice, husband and wife consider it impossible to live together any longer, there is no loathsome chain keeping them together by force. They may separate in peace and each of them may seek fulfilment with somebody else. If a wife cannot stand her husband taking another wife, she can always ask for a divorce and is not forced to tolerate what seems intolerable to her. Is it not more in tune with human dignity if in these matters no mystery-mongering is required? The husband does not have to tell fantastic lies whenever he wants to meet his girlfriend, the wife needn't pretend not to notice what is going on behind her back? Or if a husband thinks he cannot put up any longer with some bad habits or other things in his wife, there is no need for him to torture her by illtreatment--he simply separates from her. And the same applies to the wife. In this way, human society will be much more clean and healthy, homes will not be miserable for children and none of the spouses is condemned to lifelong unhappiness. There are a number of laws and regulations concerning divorce which I consider as most sensible, be it in respect to the financial position of a divorced woman and her children or in other respects, but it would lead us too far off to discuss them here. As Abu Dawud relates, the Prophet has said: "Of all things permitted by law, divorce is the most hateful in the sight of Allah". And I think, this very strong tradition is also responsible for the fact that divorce, necessary though it may be in certain cases, is practised so extremely seldom in Muslim families.

Woman's Status

And fourthly, I want to say a few words about the status of women in Islam. In the Qur'an we read:

Women have the same (rights in relation to their husbands) as are expected in all decency from them; while men stand a step above them" (2:228)

Those who want to find fault with Islamic regulations, consider this detrimental to the dignity of women. But I am of the opinion that this one sentence includes all that is necessary for my happiness as a woman. It grants me all rights for which I aspire--the right for education, for my own property, for being the guardian inside the house and even for a job if circumstances demand it, to name only a few aspects. But, most important of all, it grants me the right to depend on my husband, be it in matters of my livelihood or in regard to any important decisions that have to be taken for the benefit of the family. On the husband, however, rests the great responsibility of caring for his family and finding by consulting his wife and making use of all his wisdom, the best possible solutions. Does it not lie in the considerate husband who is capable of taking these decisions? This, I think, is the ideal family life as envisaged by Islam. In such an atmosphere, both partners will find fulfilment in erotic matters as well as in all other matrimonial fields of which rearing children has pre-eminence.