Question:

I have been married for seven years. In the entire marriage, my husband has done things with the opposite sex that has broken my heart. He has not committed adultery, but he has shaken hands with women and watched porn, had intimate conversations with them, and ate with them, etc. During these times, I became very suspicious, paranoid and insecure. I became angry and destroyed his computer monitors and his clothes. We have even fought with each other physically. Often, I’ve found myself mean and hard hearted towards him. I push away from him a lot because of the pain of knowing the things he has done with other women.

Recently, he spoke of polygamy and I destroyed his laptop out of anger. We tried to make amends by signing a contract that I would never destroy his property again or ask for a divorce. I broke this contract by asking for a divorce on six different occasions after several intense arguments. He then also asked for polygamy. We renewed the contract, but I found out that he had lied. I am a Muslim woman. I cover everything except my face and hands. I do not intermingle with men or talk with them. I clean my three level house and I teach my four children all by myself at home. I beautify myself constantly for my husband only.  I love the recitation of Quran, I love reading Ĥadīths and I remind my husband for his Salāts. When I’m on my menses, he’s late for his Salāts. That’s how much he depends on me to remind him. I fast when the Muslims fast. I’m but not overly compassionate. I have no friends and I’m not part of any community.

These are my good characteristics, but I have my bad personality. I’m jealous, suspicious, angry, paranoid, mean, hard hearted.  I’ve destroyed property, I’ve broken my covenants and promises, I push away from my husband and argue at times. But I’m not disobedient. Still I dislike my spouse and feel insecure.

My only question after writing all of this is, am I a bad woman in the sight of Allah? In the light of the things that I have done, I know my husband has a right to dislike me, but am I also disliked by the standards of Quran and Sunnah? Is repentance my only solution? If so, I have already repented and will continue to do so. I do not plan to break my covenants anymore, regardless of how I feel. I do not plan to return to former acts. I plan to even fight my feelings of jealously and paranoia. I plan to fight even my dislike for my husband. But what if even after making this resolve, my husband and I still argue. After repentance, is patience the only answer for me? After patience, will I ever experience peace in this marriage?

You have admonished yourself enough. The way you have admitted your faults is worth praising. That was the first and important step towards self-correction. But you need to realize that repentance should be sincere. A covenant made is not to be broken. Anyhow, your desire to patch up the differences appears quite strong. Wish your husband realizes this aspect of your character and attempts on his part to remove the irritants that disturb you.

It appears because of your deep love for your spouse you so intensely hate his meeting and chatting with strange women, whom he should not as a good Muslim man and husband. Although you need to be a little accommodative to avoid so great a tension, yet you are right to demand that your husband remains within permissible limits. And, let us also suggest that you please consult some specialist for psycho-analysis. Jealousy and paranoia are no good to be overlooked. God bless you and your family and bestow you with lasting happiness.

Back to Index Q&A