Question:

I am recently married, and have something to ask. I am blessed with Islam by the Almighty. Though we, I and my wife, are from an Islāmic background, both of us are of different cultures. Ours is somewhat orthodox type. When I see my sisters and relatives, I find they are very obedient and dedicated to their husbands. But, my wife is somewhat educated, and comes from a city life. Hence, she doesn’t care about these sorts of protocols. When I think deeply, I can understand that there is no need of such protocols, and Islam teaches equality for both husband and wife. But still I am not able to adjust with that. I am very sad on this matter, and sometimes am not able to talk openly with my wife, rather I get angry. To be honest, she does not harm me or violates any legal rights. But when I am tense, she is not caring for my worries, thinking that she is not erring.

Fact of the matter is that we the Muslims, have become so used to centuries’ old [mostly self-styled] customs and traditions that any deviation, no matter how much just and reasonable, appears to us un-acceptable. We then rush and try to look for injunctions that could suit us.

Another important thing that we overlook under certain compulsions is the advice of kaf’w [peer equality] while choosing mates. Although certainly not obligatory, regard for kaf’w saves one from most troubles.

Yours seems to be the case where wife being educated, is more aware of her rights and does not feel to regard the protocols, that a lesser educated, ill-informed rural wife considers to be her obligation.

Both you and your wife need to realize that marriage in Islam is based on certain important objectives:

1. The first being preservation of morals and chastity. A husband and wife, who are careless about the sentiments and feelings of each other, endanger themselves in this regard. Wife has to be caring and watchful not to let her husband get angry.
2. The second important objective is mutual love and compassion. According to the Qur’ān, wife is the source of comfort for the husband [7:189], and a person in whose company he is to find peace of mind [30:21]. It is also advised that both husband and wife have to be generous in mutual dealings [2:237].
3. The third principle is about compatibility, as already noted above, but which now needs be over-looked, as you are already married and have to do utmost to realize a happy family life.

A famous Prophetic saying is: The best wife is the one who is attractive in your eyes, who carries out your instructions and when you are absent keeps a watchful eye on your right to your property and your right on her. We believe your educated wife is aware of all that we have quoted and realizes how important is such a behaviour for a smooth family life. Things should not be let to get worse, because experience tells that wife is the ultimate loser in such cases.

You being the head of the family, need to look for all possible ways and means to remove the tension. Your message indicates that you demand what is not your right [legally]. If she is not harming you and is not violating your legal rights, then you better also try to know what are her legal rights. Protocols of the sort you wish, do not appear in the list of your rights accorded by Islam.

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